Movie House Rules

So I have been holed up for a few weeks taking on new projects. A new dog, starting new graduate classes and I bought some new socks.

So basically there has been a lot going on. I finally found time and energy to venture out into the world and go see a movie, visit my local haberdashery and the Starbucks to try my new favorite drink – Steamed Apple Spiced Chaj- I thought I would leave this world before ever uttering the word “divine” but that drink is nothing but. Please go out and try it, my stock portfolio will thank you.

As I mentioned, I’ve been out and about and have started to realize the world needs a new rule book. I have seen others post, blog, tweet, twit, text, yell, essayify, ponder and sky write all sorts of pet peeves over the years. But recently I saw a MyFaceSpaceBook post of a new The Oatmeal cartoon about how movies theaters should be laid out. Just click on the link above (the word Oatmeal) I will wait…

Are you done? Funny crap right? Well I realized as much as I agree with 99% of it, I was guilty of one of the infractions. I sometimes have to go to the bathroom ½ way through a movie. I blame the 30 minutes of previews that are added on and the extra large Cherry-Vanilla-Chocolate-Diet Cokes that they sell for a reasonable $21.00.

I try not to be a hypocrite. If something bothers me, I do my best to not do the same thing. So here is my pledge, I will do whatever I can, to NOT to get up during the movie to take a leak. Even if it means brining an extra empty bottle with me. I am not going to be THAT GUY.

Now that I am making some sacrifice, and in the tradition of the recent government shutdown, that reminded me of the Republican Contract With America from 1994 I am making a Movie Going Pledge. Please feel free to distribute and have your neighbors sign away their souls to me… I mean promise to be civil at the movies. My goal is to have this done nationwide by the time Star Wars Episode VII comes out in 2015.

Thou shall arrive and be seated in the theater prior to the previews starting. Some of us like to see the previews in order to plan what future movies we want to wait for on DVD. I cannot see the damn screen when your big size EXTRA Grande ass is in the way. Plus the sound of lycra swishing as you thighs rub together ruins the sound of whatever cool preview music is playing (that will eventually never make it into the actual movie).

If the theater plays more than 15 minutes of previews the above rule is voided. And everyone should write a letter to complain to the theater that the previews are messing with their urine cycle.

Get all your crinking done BEFORE the movie starts. I preferred if you do it before the previews, but if you still have not inhaled your Goobers or Raisonettes (by the way that DOES NOT count as a Weight Watcher veggie point) then open the damn box, clear away the wrapper and position it between your cleavage, legs, the seat and the armrest somewhere – ANYWHERE so that when you reach for your fix during the movie I don’t hear shresheesckkielllkeilll just as the meet cute moment is going down.

If you are old (meaning 20 years older than however old I am at the time we are both in the theater at the same time – then stay seated until the credits have run. I know your time is limited, and hey I love old folks, I just don’t want to be behind you when you are trying to get out of your seat, maneuver into the aisle and trying to feel your way out of the theater in the poor lighting. Plus I am afraid you are going to trip over a carelessly discarded straw and fall (and not be able to get back up) and I am going to have to either 1. Step over you and keep moving or 2. Perform CPR. Either way I will end up on Youtube and I am not ready for the fame. So please for your safety and my need to stay anonymous  please, please wait until the house lights turn on before trying to leave the premises.

If  there are 2 people in the theater at a matinee show on a Tuesday and you are number three, you do not need to sit anywhere near the other two. If there are four people, same rule, five, ditto, and it goes on. Basically there is NO reason to sit directly in front of, behind or within three seats to either side of another movie goer, if there is an empty seat anywhere else in the theater. This does not include the neck wrenching seats up front. I am willing to forgo the distance requirement if those are the only seats open. Plus the old people should be sitting in those anyway.

Don’t bring your kids to the movie until they can go by themselves.

Ok hear that sound? When the previews start the lights go down a little and the sound gets LOUDER. That is to let you know to stop talking. Actually I don’t know why you were talking in the first place. If you and your girlfriend, boyfriend, coworker, bestie, stylist, or pretend friend want to gossip, go to Starbucks and try one of those Apple Steamed Spice Chaj drinks. By all that is holy please shut it! If you have to talk louder then that is technology telling you to stop, you will not win.

Get your damn drinks and popcorn before you sit down. And don’t send a runner, they are eventually going to miss the first part of the movie, come in and disrupt the crowd ruining the moment just as the Bond Theme is going to play (after the opening sequence) and they are going to forget where you all sat, stomping around.

Ok there are signs, even a ad at the beginning of the movie, turn off your phone, or if it rings and anyone can hear it you have to forfeit your phone for the rest of the movie and anyone wanting to make a call to Tibet, Bangladesh, or Zimbabwe can do so.

Last one and one of the worst violations - if you are a dude don’t put your nasty bare feet, or exposed feet  up on the chair in front of you (talking to you Birkenstock wearing hippie and flippy floppy wearing preppy douchebag) . I don’t want to see it and even more I don’t want to be sitting in that seat during the next movie wondering why it smells like the jock strap of junior varsity huddler.

Allow me to introduce myself

Hello, I wanted to introduce myself. My name is wararoowruuuurrrr. I know this is hard to pronounce but I just wanted to set the record straight since this dude that I am crashing with (I just call him doooode) keeps calling me AhhhTheeenah. I usually ignore him when he calls me by that, unless of course he has treats.

I am a member of a specially trained cadre of dogs that have infiltrated the country. My specific skills include escape, evasion, and erratic zig sagging when walking on a leash. My hobbies include smelling every weed, car tire, tree, bush, candy wrapper, sewage grate, dead bird, and blade of grass....well the list goes on, Even though I have walked around this neighborhood every day for the last month I still have not smelled everything so when I am not outside I am planning on making my escape to get out and smell some more. So far I have escaped twice to go on solo recon missions but the doooode must have agents everywhere because they caught me both times. I have mastered breaking out of the small wire kennel by bending the bottom of the door frame and working it up the rail until there is enough room to get my head through, then I slide under the door and catch my collar, I work the collar loose and then shimmer my way out. I have also mastered how to slide under the fence (until the doooode blocked it with an ingenious plan) and I also learned how to open the main door. I had figured out how to turn the bolt when the doooode had the lock replaced, now no matter how much I jump up and hit the handle I can’t get out. But I have been doing my rounds I may have found another escape route.

So most of my day I sleep for about ten minuets, I pace until the doooode lets me out, then I sniff and smell until the doooode drags me back in then I go back to napping. It has been raining non-stop the last few days, I got my revenge. I made the doooode walk four miles in pouring down rain through puddles and into the wind. He thought I would be miserable and not want to go for the rest of the day  but just an hour later I was pacing at the door again.

So far the doooode has had a couple of phone interviews for a job and each time I have walked up and bumped his arm that was holding the phone or slapped his arm with my paw.  I need him to realize that I am his first priority and not anything else. This also applies to when he is on the kumpuuuter doing his homework or playing on Facebook.

I think the doooode is coming back so I better go for now, plus it has been about 10 minutes I need to go back outside and see if there is anything new to sniff.